Lotto Jokes

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If you have any good, clean lotto jokes please send them to
 Scott and I'll add them here.

I don't know if it's an urban legend, but a friend says it was in the news.

Apparently some guy was having a birthday party, so his wife and some of his guests set up a practical joke.  They bought a lottery ticket for him and also carefully grafted in the same numbers as the ticket into the winning numbers section of that day's newspaper.  When the guy opened up his birthday card he found the lottery ticket.  His party guests encouraged him to check the newspaper, which they happened to have handy.  When the person opened the paper, he stared at the paper in shock.  Then he stood up, turned to his wife and told her that he wanted her out of the house and out of his life immediately.  He said he didn't really love her and that he had been sleeping with her sister for two years!

Peter

 

Question: Where is the prime position for advertising on a Lotologists clothing?

Answer: On their bottom as they spend most of their time with their head in a bin and their bum in the air!

 

 

Did you hear about the new instant lottery game in India? You scratch
the ticket, and if the dot matches the one on your forehead, you win a
convenience store in the US.

 

- A Bumper Sticker -
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

 

Money Talks

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, 
"I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies,
"I beg your pardon, sir;  I must have misunderstood you.  What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it.  I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer,
"What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no friggin problem, dammit!"  the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this damn woman is giving you a hard time?"

 

A practical joke TV show in Australia called 'Just Kidding' played a gag where all scratch tickets bought go scratched by the seller before they handed it over to them.

That takes all the fun out of it of course and people were getting quite upset and not getting to have a scratch for them selves!

 

You may or may not be aware that you can buy convincing Gag Lottery Tickets that win a large amount every time. These make for great presents and even better videoing opportunities. So much so that a video taken of some one scratching a winner then going crazy with excitement and doing all sorts of stupid things a normal sober sane person would not, actually won a big prize in a funny home video TV show.

Depending on your heart it's a good idea to make sure you tell them it's a joke before they insults their boss and quit their job.

 

At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else.

When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and found his lotto ticker and wrote down the numbers then they called over the waitress to set up a little prank.

She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table.

The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again breathing really rapidly, and looking totally blown away. After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket again, and checked the numbers, very carefully. Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room:

'I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair with my secretary for months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, 'cos I've just won a ton of money, and I'm leaving!'

End of job. End of marriage. End of story.

 

This girl runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!" He says "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" She replies, "I don't care...Just pack them and get out!"

 

Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

 

Dear God,

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

Amen

 

If all of those psychics have the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?

 

It Takes More than Brains...
CONGRATULATIONS Were Showered on Kaplan. His number 49 had won the top prize in the lottery. 'Say Kaplan," asked Goldstein, "how did you happen to pick number 99?"
'"I saw it in a dream. Six sevens appeared and danced before my eyes. Six times seven is 49, and that's all there was to it."
"But1 six times seven is 42 not 49."
"Hah? . . . All right, so you be the mathematician!"

 

A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays ..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

More Gags?:

Gag Lottery Tickets 


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